[law abiding citizen]

I would love to say 

...that I am a law abiding citizen because it is the “right” thing to do.

I would love to say

...that I am a law abiding citizen because I believe in this country’s justice system.

But Maury’s lie detector would determine that they are both lies.

Survival. I can’t call it fear because it is deeper than that. I watched the movie “Marshall” this weekend. And I hated how I still related to a movie that was based in a time before my mother was even born. I hate that I cringe at the idea that the justice system will help me. I hate that I can’t even grasps the idea of fairness because it seems like such a relative term. I hate that no matter how successful I become it is hard to believe that I will find comfort in this country, that I will believe that I am a full citizen, cause 3/5^ths still feels like a reality in some parts of my mind or at least in the collective experiences of my people. Partial appears to be the maximum. And blinded seems to be the state of mind.

Many of us (read African Americans) are hunted by white ghosts of yesterday’s past. We don’t mean to be, but we can’t help it. Yall (you know who) did a number on our mental status and yall continue to reiterate how much we are not suppose to be here, not suppose to be successful, not suppose to step out of our places. One week from the anniversary of the election from hell, in my lifetime. One of the biggest smacks in the face this country (read some of this country) has ever seen. Times have been worse for minorities, I am by no means saying that this is the biggest nightmare experienced by the black race cause clearly you know slavery, Jim Crow, etc happened. That would be ridiculous considering the beginning, middle, and generally first 90% of black history in this country. But come on. It’s bad. This country is imploding.

But setting the current events aside, before he who shall not be named gained more power, we were already struggling as a country. So I am a law abiding citizen because I want to increase (note not guarantee because folks is cray) my chance of survival, of coming home. Because nothing, not even my two college degrees, not my mama, nothing, will save me from point blank execution, being left for dead in a jail cell, or going missing with a dozen witnesses. Cause they still have thoughts of lynching. Still can’t handle biracial relationships. Still think we can’t read. Still think the welfare system is only us. Are still unpoliced and unjust. And everyone still wonders why all the black kids still sit together in the cafeteria. Because we need to. 

And the law is an interesting concept/structure/baseline. Even as a law abiding citizen there is room for self interpretation. Because of two thoughts...

"Today’s Constitution is a realistic document of freedom only because of several corrective amendments. Those amendments speak to a sense of decency and fairness that I and other Blacks cherish." - Thurgood Marshall

"You do what you think is right and let the law catch up" - Thurgood Marshall

...the law was not made for us, that's obvious. But for many years we have used it to gain traction. Followed it in order to manipulate and transform it into the law that is also ours and not only theirs. It is currently still a working progress with a lot more room for growth.

[letter of faith]

"the only thing you own is the ability to define yourself" - Bruce Conforth (my last undergrad lecture)

dear concerning future,

i used to ask myself what i wanted to do when i grew up. i used to throw out all the standard jobs i saw on tv or in my family. but then i came across engineering and basically told myself if i could do that i could do anything. granted it wasnt the easiest route but it definitely was the most rewarding from the people, the challenge, and most of all the unquestionable degree. but something happened along the way. 

in two days i will have earned a engineering degree from michigan but i will not be using it. at least not directly. because somewhere in my pursuit of this degree i sat down and looked at myself and imagined who i wanted to be. solely an engineer just wasnt doing it for me. it wasnt fulfilling enough. so i thought. long and hard about what i deep down always wanted to do, what i liked to do, and medicine appeared (once again). i wasnt being stubborn anymore. it was not longer an idea too big or too long to complete. it was realistic and motivating. 

im about to graduate with my degree in hand. there will be no question of how hard i worked but my next chapter starts in sort of a limbo. i dont know what i am doing but i trust that by this time next year i will be completing my first semester in a medical school. i trust. i have faith that this time of waiting and wondering will be answered with a dream that only true ambition could fuel. 

like many ambitions and dreams there is concern of whether it will work out. whether it will bring this satisfaction. or whether it will be just another notch of failure in life. the latter is not the plan obviously but i have realized that i would rather jump and fall, yell and be silenced, then to live a life of things i should have done and words i never said.  

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'." - John Greenleaf Whittier

everyone has something different they were meant to do. right now a career in medicine is what i feel i am meant to do. possessing the knowledge to help those that can not help themselves. in some peoples eyes i am wasting the opportunity to get a high paying job. for some i am crazy putting myself into unnecessary debt. but to them i smile and say if you are into chasing money and wasting time then thats your business. i have my entire life to settle into something that i know wont make me happy. but who in their right mind would chose to be unhappy when they have the opportunity and motivation to TRY and live a life doing something they are passionate about. 

they say that our generation doesnt know what they want. that we are ungrateful. what they dont know is that there are some of us that wont stop until we make our dreams a reality. that there are some of us that can not be derailed from our end goal. that there are some of us that will try rather than settle. because being content is not the safest place to be. it can be dangerous for the mind and body. 

sincerely with love,

an ambitious dreamer